Shy? Why and What to Do About It
by Linda Wang • Richmond, BC

Too shy to socialize, Thomas hides in the washroom during recess while most kids are outside playing. Peter, a grown man, takes long walks during his lunch breaks and makes up excuses not to attend parties. Although most people aren’t as shy as Thomas and Peter, many have at one time or another experienced some form of social anxiety. Many find it difficult to initiate and maintain conversations with new people and interact in large groups. Others appear cheerful and sociable on the surface but feel nervous and insecure inside.

According to an U.S. study, fifty percent of Americans describe themselves as shy, and many more as having been shy. Shy people tend to overestimate their likelihood of failure in social interactions and are highly sensitive towards negative reactions. Although they are not usually viewed as negatively as they fear, they are quick to make judgments about themselves. They blame themselves for any negative outcomes and undervalue their part in their successes.

Research in the U.S. shows that shyness is typically highest among Asian Americans and lowest among Jewish Americans. Apparently, the way a culture attributes blame for failure and credit for success plays a role in the presence or lack of self-confidence. Experiential factors as well as a strong genetic predisposition also appear to contribute to the development of shyness. Hence, as a result of frequent rejection and disappointment, some people develop shyness in adulthood rather than in childhood.

When people are shy, they are less likely to take advantage of opportunities for self-improvement. For example, shy students are less likely to participate in extra-curricular activities, join clubs and sports teams, and utilize resources for information in career planning. When they believe they are being evaluated, such as during a job interview or a first date, they are more likely to focus on their fears and forget information. As a result, many shy people have trouble competing in today’s society. The consequent feelings of failure and worthlessness have led some to depression and the use of alcohol.

People who are shy may be difficult to befriend and may appear cold and unreceptive. One woman says that because people don’t understand her shyness, she has been called many things, including "a pushover, inflexible, selfish, secretive, uncaring, too dependent, and too independent."

However, experts agree that shyness can be controlled. Many people seek treatment for shyness, which comes in various forms. Professional treatments can include equipping clients with the proper mindset and social skills, and exposing them to feared situations. They are helped to challenge their own negative thoughts in imagined settings and trained to be assertive and to relax.

Friends and relatives can also help by applauding strengths without insisting on performance. They can help those who are shy to set goals, and to replace their negative thoughts with positive ones. If a dreaded job interview is coming up, engaging a shy person in role play with the intent of countering potential setbacks is extremely useful.

When people are shy, they tend to focus more on their own actions and feelings than on other people. It can be helpful to learn to focus more intently on the person they are engaged with. When meeting new people, asking questions and listening intently can help shift a person’s focus away from him/herself. Acting confident can also help a shy person overcome negative feelings. Ed McMahon, a popular entertainer, offers his father’s words of advice: Son, always walk into a room as though you belong there and people will believe you do.

With the right attitude and social support, people can either curb their shyness or work their shyness to their advantage.

Linda Wang is a freelance writer and English tutor. Contact her at: linwan95@yahoo.com