You’re okay, you say. And sure, I can see that. You are after all, out in the world “adulting” with the best of them. Showing up to work, meeting deadlines, getting dinner on the table, and even having some laughs along the way. It’s true, you’re lovely. You’re doing a standup job. But are you really okay?

The reason I ask is that I am not. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got my stuff together—for the most part. But regardless of how highly I manage to function or how happy my day-to-day life may be, I am still a woman who shudders when a man speaks through clenched teeth.

I am a woman, who although not afraid of confrontation, deflates like a slow-leaking balloon when faced with my husband’s anger—no matter how logical, legitimate, or warranted it may be. I collapse into myself; shoulders rounded in unnecessary defense. To this day, I am a woman who sees a wooden spoon and am reminded not of a favorite recipe, but of what it feels like to be threatened with violence by those I held most dear.

Oh, it’s just spanking, you say. And after all, I turned out fine, you reason. But are you fine? I mean, how fine can you actually be if you are hitting the most precious, fragile, and vulnerable people in your life under the guise of love?

I suppose some confusion is to be expected. It is after all, what happened to us. So much so that the blurred lines between love and fear, concern and control, were woven into the very tapestry of our bruised flesh. We are the walking results of our parents’ unchecked rage and inability to control their impulses. I—you, we—deserved better. And now, so do our kids.

Please, I beg of you, stop hitting your children and rationalizing that because you were hit and “turned out fine” so too must they endure the terror of a parent’s assault. Because, let’s be honest, in this regard we aren’t really fine. And they won’t be either.

To be clear: spanking is most definitely abuse. Any action taken to instill fear and create an environment of insecurity and distrust can be characterized as maltreatment, which is one of the ways Dictionary.Com defines abuse. An over-simplification if you ask me, but you get the point.

It is in these most precious and precarious early years when our children’s psyches are literally being formed, that our words and actions are of the most crucial import. Not only does what we say and do affect their physical development, but their emotional and mental development as well. And here’s the thing, I know you love your kid(s); wanting only what’s best for them now and in the future. But your screaming, spanking, threatening, and/or abandoning (amongst other horrors) is not going to be what ensures their success in this life. It will in fact, only make things much, much harder for them. Trust me, I know.

It is our job as parents and adults to do the hard work that will enable us to provide our children not just with the basic standard of care, but with the exceptional level of love, trust, and respect that they so deserve. If you hit your child(ren) you are teaching them amongst other things, that:

• Violence is acceptable and, in fact, the way to handle difficult situations.
• Their bodies are not their own and that bigger people can do to them whatever they see fit.
• We have no responsibility for controlling our emotions and resulting actions.
• Those who are closest to them cannot be trusted to protect them.
• There is something inherently wrong with them, making them unworthy of love, patience, and compassion.

In essence, you are teaching your children that to be loved is synonymous with being hurt. And if this is what you still believe because it is the message your parents relayed to you through their behavior, well then really, how could you be okay? The thing is, that just like your children, you too are deserving of love, safety, trust, and compassion. You too are entitled to a life free of all the baggage that comes from familial, cultural, and/or societal demands of perfection.

That’s what this is about after all, isn’t it: the need to be perfect and appear to have everything in order and under control? Let’s face it, it’s an impossible standard to achieve without children in the picture, let alone once they are on the scene.

Yet it is from the very challenges and chaos that comes with being a parent, that our greatest, most profound understanding of what is truly important comes. It is through their innocent and inquisitive eyes that we begin to see the world in new and improved ways. And not only the world, but ourselves as well. After all, no one will ever love us as honestly, unabashedly, and loudly as our children.

And don’t they deserve to have their parents love them just as wildly and as fiercely in return, without mixed messages or condition? Don’t they, especially in a world that can be so very cruel, deserve the safe landing of a parent’s loving arms and open heart, regardless of all the bumpy imperfections that will most certainly litter the path? Didn’t you? Don’t you still?

It is the choice we make for them, for ourselves, and for the world at large, to break free from old patterns of behaviors and convoluted messages that play in our minds like a mixed tape on repeat. We are more than capable of breaking the cycle of abuse. At once, freeing both ourselves and our children from the indoctrination of a lineage that turns parents into abusers and children into victims. Only once we commit to this kind of work, and experience the resultant healing, do we all stand to truly and finally be okay.

Erica Settino, is the Editor-at-large of Creations Magazine, published writer and long-time yoga teacher and activist. More information about Erica and her work can be found at Karuna For Animals: Compassion In Action, Inc., and ericasettino.com.