As David and Kristen took a step forward with their horse, Cinnamon, their rigid postures began to soften and the beginnings of a smile crept across their faces. Each was standing on the opposite side of the horse, holding a four-foot lead rope. They were playing a game. Their goal was to lead Cinnamon through the obstacle course of orange cones to the other end of the arena and back to the starting point.

The purpose of the game was for them to learn to work together as a team, communicate with each other and have fun in the process. Considering that their daily dialogue consisted of a few strained sentences muttered to each other over dinner, this seemed like an impossible task, however, both were willing to give it a try. Neither had been this close to a horse before so they treaded cautiously around Cinnamon, while attempting to bring him around the first cone.  Cinnamon, quickly tiring of their “tiptoeing around him,” planted his feet in the dirt, looked at them and snorted as if to say “OK wake me up when you both decide to get on the same page.”  David and Kristen looked at Cinnamon and then toward me, quizzically, for direction. 

My role as the equine specialist and life coach, was to have them observe the horse’s behavior, and through their interpretation, help them to gain insights that they could apply to their relationship. I asked them what they thought was going on with Cinnamon. David rolled his eyes and said with a note of exasperation in his voice, “The horse just looks like he is fed up with us.” Kristen echoed with “Yes he doesn’t look very happy.”  “Kind of like the two of you,” I asked?  “I guess you could say that,” David chuckled. I asked them “What do you think needs to change in order for you to complete this task?” Kristen replied, “Well it seems like David is pulling on Cinnamon too much and I guess I pulled back because I’m trying to catch up with him. I think we confused poor Cinnamon,” she laughed. I said, “Let’s try this again. This time I encourage both of you to be willing to drop your defenses, make eye contact with each other, set your intention and agree on a plan to get this horse around the rest of the course.”

David and Kristen, being determined to complete the assignment, looked each other in the eye for the first time since they had arrived at the equestrian center. David said to Kristen “OK, I will ease up on my rope if you will walk a little faster and ask the horse to keep walking forward by putting more pressure on your rope.” Kristen nodded in agreement and smiled at David as Cinnamon began to move forward at her request. They led him around the first cone and looked ahead to the second cone, focusing their eyes on the spot where they would need to begin turning. Kristen and David looked expectantly at each other, observing their partner’s body language for cues as they made the turn around the second cone, which went even more smoothly than the first.

The rest of the exercise seemed effortless as they worked together to get Cinnamon around the course. They were now relaxed and laughing as they led Cinnamon across the finish line. As they raised their hands in unison and beamed at each other, Cinnamon seemed to relax too, as he lowered his head and let out a huge sigh.

When I asked them what they both learned from the exercise, they took a moment to think about it. The consensus was that communication takes effort on both parts, not to give up without trying different methods, it can even be fun, and lastly, horses are sometimes smarter than humans. 

The ice between David and Kristen was finally melting, as their hopes for saving their relationship grew stronger. I congratulated them for having the courage to drop their defenses and open up to each other during their first session of my “Equine Assisted Coaching” program.  Their “homework” assignment for the week was to take turns talking to each other over dinner, while the other listened with their full attention. They were also asked to maintain eye contact with each other and not to interrupt while the other was speaking. By having the courage to seek help and try a different approach to improving their communication, David and Kristen were well on their way to regaining the special connection they had when they first met years ago.

Is Equine Assisted Coaching just for couples?
No, the process of working with a horse to transcend your challenges and help you reach your goals can apply to anyone no matter who you are or what your situation is. You never know, it just might transform your life.

Laura Kobus is an Equine Specialist, EAGALA Certified (Equine Assisted Growth and Learning Association) and a Certified Life Coach. She is also co-author of The Essential Coaching Book: Secrets to a Winning Life. Laura has worked with horses for over 30 years and has been a life coach for 15 years. Equine Assisted Coaching sessions are held in Greenlawn and Islip Terrace, NY. For more information or to schedule, contact Laura at (516) 680-6307 or email coaching@optonline.net. Facebook:  Laura Kobus – Clear Insight Coaching, Life Coaching with Horses.