As the “holyday” season approaches, many of us begin to spend more time with family and other loved ones. For many people, this often creates a mixed bag of unresolved feelings, lukewarm, unfulfilling experiences and an attitude of “let’s just get through this.” However, if we want, these reunions can provide some great opportunities for growth and healing. In P.E.E.R. (Primary Emotional Energy Recovery,) the body-centered therapy training I’ve been involved with for over 25 years, we call these forays, going into “FamilyLand.” Few other situations provide such a profound invitation for “emotional regression,” where we tend to fall back into past, even childhood roles, patterns, feelings and behavior. The conscious or unconscious recognition of this tendency to regress is one of if not the greatest causes of “holiday dread” for people spending time (especially extended time) with their families.

Another phenomenon of spending time with family I often hear from clients and friends is how predictably superficial and therefore unsatisfying our time can be with these supposed “loved ones.” I do not have the time nor space in this article to go too much into how to reduce the emotional regression we tend to fall into. However, I would highly recommend John H. Lee’s book, “Growing Yourself Back Up” which provides many insights and tools for dealing with and reducing regression. Here, I’d like to share a very simple, yet powerful technique that came to me a few years ago. It has been very helpful in “clearing the air” with family members and friends. It has helped open the way for deeper, more satisfying communication and intimacy (into-me-see) for me and for many of my clients.

About 3 years ago, my wife Connie and I were heading back to my “hometown” Long Island to attend a wedding. I planned to hunt for a wedding present at an old friend’s store. I should say a “former” old friend as we had a falling out many years ago. And, even though we maintained a friendly, cordial relationship since then, the deep friendship and brotherhood we had enjoyed for 15 years no longer existed. These things happen, and while I’ve certainly moved on with my life, occasionally I think about him and miss the closeness and fun we once shared. On the flight there, I thought about what it would be like to see him again and what I might want to say to him after not having any contact in over 3 years. Then, this idea came to me: “Why not ask if I owe him an apology?”

At his store the next day, after exchanging greetings and pleasantries, I asked, “Do you have a few minutes? I’ve got a question I’d like to ask you.” To which he said, “Sure.” Then, as we headed for a more private spot in the store, the phone rang, and he half-joking said, “Saved by the bell.” He came back a few minutes later and as he still seemed open to my question, I asked, “Do I owe you an apology?” I was glad he took his time and did not offer me a quick or “pat” answer. He thought about it a minute or so and finally said, “No, you don’t, but where does this question come from?” I really wasn’t sure myself, since it just seemed to come to me. But I told him that in the “12 Steps” programs, one of the Steps is to make amends to people you’ve hurt in your past. While I’m not a strict adherent to the Steps, I hold a deep respect for them and for how many people they’ve helped change or reconstruct their lives. “The problem,” I told him is that, “Sometimes you don’t know if you’ve hurt someone or not– so, if you really care, you have to ask.”

I wouldn’t say that conversation transformed the quality of our relating but I know that I am more relaxed about my role in our conflict. Since then, I’ve posed that question to a few other family members, friends and acquaintances. Each time, the question has served to help clear the air– if not for both of us, then at least for me.

Here are a few guidelines if you decide to initiate this technique:

1) Be prepared! You may be surprised at what comes back at you. Asking this question does NOT mean that you are obligated to give an apology– but if you’re going to ask the question, be sure you’re ready to listen to and really hear what the other person has to say.

2) Be sensitive about TIMING. If you’re going to ask the question, don’t do it when things are already “hot” or chaotic. Wait for a quieter, more relaxed moment.

3) Also, don’t wait till you’re about to get in the car to leave. This is a big question, or it can be. People often need some time to digest it and get in touch with their truth about it. If you can ask sometime near the beginning of the visit, you’ll probably get a better, more honest response sometime before you leave. But, just asking the person this lets them know that you care. This usually improves the quality of your time with them!

4) Be clear about why you’re asking this question in the first place. Are you really hoping to improve the quality of your relating with them, maybe to heal a wound, or do you have another agenda? In all honesty, when I first asked my friend this question, after he finished responding, I realized that I had been hoping he would reciprocate and ask me the same– to which I would have had a different answer! But he didn’t. That caught me a little off guard. Maybe I could have said something in that moment, but I wasn’t prepared. However, the fact that he didn’t reciprocate also said a lot. Since it wasn’t the first time our interactions had gone like this, it reminded me of some of the reasons we’re not as close we used to be. I don’t foresee our relationship ever getting back to the level of closeness and trust it once had. But I’m much more relaxed about it and clearer and calmer about my role in creating the abyss. Maybe the next time I see him, I’ll say something else– or perhaps he’ll ask me “the question.” Then, we’ll have an even wider path to realizing more healing between us.

5) Feel free to be creative and substitute the last word in the question, “apology”, for something that may feel more fitting for your specific situation: For instance, Do I owe you a “Thank you”, or even, “any money”? It’s amazing how we can sometimes forget financial and other debts– and how long others can hold onto them! You can also make it more open ended: “Do I owe you anything?”

6) This exercise is not limited to distant family. Try it with anyone close to you. Too often we take for granted those closest to us, and the quality of our relating and intimacy suffers a little bit each time we do that. It’s good to check in with each other from time to time- or regularly!

7) Finally, if you do feel open to offering an apology, make sure it’s a sincere one– one that comes from the heart. Not like the “Public Relations” inspired ones offered way too often these days by politicians, athletes and celebrities who get caught committing, well, whatever they get caught committing. A sincere, heartfelt apology can go a long way towards healing even the deepest wounds. The PR apology is more like putting a band aid on a major wound: It’s a ploy, and people sense that– and, in so doing, instead of creating more connection, it may actually create more distance. Also, while you may not be sorry for your words or actions– you may be deeply sorry for the effect they had on someone you care a lot about.

Feel free to share this technique with whomever else you feel may benefit from it. May it help your holydays be more merry and more bright, with love.

Vijay Director has been a life consultant/coach for over 25 years. He specializes in communication, relationship and business issues, as well as facilitating deep emotional release. Vijay has also led support groups for men for nearly 30 years. 828.664.0000.