Martha Beck wrote an article for O magazine in March 2016 called “Hurt So Good.” In the feature she explains that our bad habits, our deep-seated issues, and damaging behaviors actually do a lot more for us than we give them credit for.

For example, someone who can’t stop binge eating, or someone who seems to attract drama around every turn may not have a lot in common on the surface, but upon a deeper look, they each have what psychologists call secondary gains. A secondary gain is an attachment to the gain received from the habit, addiction or self-sabotaging situation.

Ask yourself what problem you’ve been trying to get rid of, but can’t. Now ask yourself what advantages you get from having this problem.

To free yourself you need to find a new pattern. In my life-coaching practice, I work with clients to identify their secondary gains. What is it you get by doing these habits? Most of the time they look at me like I’ve lost my mind. After all, we do therapy and read personal development books and hire life coaches to try to heal our pain, not look at what it gives us. But upon deeper inspection, every time we see that the situations reveal a deep need that is unmet—every single time.

We can either learn through passion or pain.

We feel like our problems are hurting us, but they are in our life because we gain something from them. Through my own research and life experience I discovered that our secondary gains, although they hurt so bad, actually make us feel good, if even in the moment they provide temporary relief from what it is we are unwilling, or not ready to face. My overeating for years was my attempt to mask my true feelings of wanting romantic love. If I didn’t overeat, I would have to face the fact that I was lonely and really wanted romance. Ask yourself what your current habits and problems are giving you, this is the secondary gain.

It comes down to three main categories: freedom, fulfillment, or acceptance.

Identifying these categories and seeing what you get from each can help you break the habit. When you feel free, fulfilled, or accepted your needs are met. These are your core desires and what your secondary gains are trying to give you.

The fix to our habits, addictions, and problems is to designate some Me Matters time. I call it the Me Matters session. This is 10 to 15 minutes of uninterrupted time dedicated to giving yourself what you need most. If you crave freedom but feel trapped at your job, schedule a 15-minute walk outside of the office. This will give you more clarity and freedom. If you want more fulfillments instead of spending your tax refund on new clothes you know you won’t wear, look at putting money into savings for that trip overseas you’ve been dreaming about. If you want acceptance, stop being there for everyone and overextending yourself, and be kind to you. These are ME Matters sessions; schedule them throughout your day. I wanted acceptance, this was a big need of mine and I would turn to food, to feel comforted and loved. Once I identified this, I started to think about other ways I could get my needs meet. When I wanted acceptance, I dropped everything to do an extra long cuddle session with my furry fella Tucker. This was a powerful exercise that helped me heal my overeating patterns.

As Martha Beck says, by freeing up time to treat yourself with compassionate attention, problems you thought would never ever go away will begin to weaken. And some will disappear entirely. You will gain a direct route to what you once accessed as dysfunctional suffering, the peaceful, gentle powerful rhyme of your own right life.

Ask yourself the same thing. What reward do you think you get from your most frustrating problem? What Me Matters session can you schedule?

As you start to identify your secondary gains and you work on releasing them it is important you stay focused on your goal. Most of us look to results to show us we are on track and doing the right thing. When we see results we stay motivated and we keep going. If we don’t see results, we usually give up, abandon our dream early, or, at the very least, become frustrated and angry. But the path to self-love is not straight. We may not see results right away, which is why it is super important to focus on the reasons why we want what we want.

Fitness coaches and trainers say it takes at least three to four weeks to see real results from a regular fitness routine. That’s almost forty days of creating a new habit, so: the key to getting what you want is consistency, patience, timing, and trust.

The more consistent you are, the easier it is to form strong habits that are built on a solid foundation. Instead of looking for results to keep you on track, focus on your reasons why you started. When you show up consistently for yourself you will start to see results. This is a beautiful process that will help you stay on track. Self-love is about showing up for you and your dreams. That means that the reasons you start something are way more important than the results you see.

Adapted with permission from THE SELF-LOVE EXPERIMENT: Fifteen Principles for Becoming More Kind, Compassionate, and Accepting of Yourself by Shannon Kaiser. © 2017 by Shannon Kaiser. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House.

SHANNON KAISER is the author of THE SELFLOVE EXPERIMENT (TarcherPerigee), as well as Adventures for Your Soul, Find Your Happy, and Find Your Happy Daily Mantras. She has been named among the “top 100 women to watch in wellness” by Mind Body Green. She is a sixtime contributing author to Chicken Soup for the Soul and an international life coach and speaker. Learn more at www.playwiththeworld.com.