Most of us will have many friends throughout our lifetimes—friends of all shapes, sizes, and callings. Many of these are wonderful, meaningful friendships. Some are difficult. But some magic few of these are connections that have gone right to our soul.

Some magic few of this entire flock have been doing the heavy lifting. Some magic five or ten or twelve have become remarkably powerful keys to determining who we have become and who we will become. These few move the inner tectonic plates of our being, our personalities, our souls. These are the people I call Soul Friends.

As it turns out, Soul Friendships are the crucible in which we are evoked, created, affirmed, sustained, and transformed. Our relationships with our Soul Friends are the containers, the sparks, and the fuel required for psychological and spiritual development. These special kinds of relationships can be brief and powerful, or long and sustained; they can exist across long distances and over vast spans of time; they can be highly charged connections within the family—parents, grandparents, siblings—or they can be friendships or relationships at school or at work. Occasionally, they can be powerful connections with complete strangers. In fact, some of our Soul Friends are not ordinary “friends” by most conventional understandings of the word.

Contemporary neuroscience has now given us a remarkably precise understanding of the neural mechanisms of development elicited in these kinds of relationships. We now know that the brain and nervous system are “experience dependent” and much more plastic than we had previously thought. Just over the past decade, we have begun to understand how interpersonal experience shapes the growth of the neural networks in the brain. We know that “tuning in” to another mind, another self, another brain, is absolutely essential to the development of the self. The self is almost entirely a social and interpersonal creation.

So, there it is: Almost all significant human development and transformation happens in the context of interpersonal connection. From the beginning of life to the end, what we might call “the real stuff” happens in the context of the relational field in which we’re submerged. Important relationships are at the core of growth, change, health, and optimal states. And yet, strangely, these relational containers are often minimized or ignored altogether in our thinking about the mechanisms of change. In our spiritual journeys, for example, we focus primarily on theology, philosophy, the practice of prayer or meditation or yoga, the performing of good works, the development of faith in a higher power, or consciousness itself. But notice: in the background always lie these relationships, these Soul Friendships. I have become fascinated by the powerful role these relationships play in our personal development, and in our capacity for change. And so I have investigated them in some depth. Where do we look for a true understanding of these Soul Friends? What thinkers have drilled down into this area with particular insight?

Interestingly enough, this topic is just beginning to emerge in the world of contemporary spiritual practice. We are just now beginning to hear the conversation everywhere. My own answers arise from my twenty-five years of observation; from my training in psychoanalytic psychotherapy; from a number of very important thinkers, particularly Heinz Kohut, D. W.Winnicott, Ronald Fairbairn, and, of course, Sigmund Freud; and from a whole new generation of scientists who are studying the psychology and neurobiology of relationships, including, especially, Dan Siegel, John Bowlby, and Barbara Fredrickson.

Make a list of the dozen or so people who have touched you most deeply, and whom you have touched in return—those human beings that have, indeed, helped to shape you into who you are today. These people have probably played one or more of the following essential roles in your psychological and spiritual development:

1. They have elicited in you a feeling of being safely and securely held and soothed, and have provided for you— with their very bodies and minds—a safe holding environment into which you could both relax and expand. We’ll call this Soul Friend The Container.
   
   
2. They have inspired in you a deep feeling of belonging, and a concomitant sense of “alikeness” with others. We’ll call this kind of friend—along with Dr. Heinz Kohut, who coined the term—The Twin.
   
   
3. They have challenged you, opposed you, confronted you, and frustrated you— but in ways that have turned out to be salutary for your soul. We’ll call this Soul Friend The Noble Adversary.
   
   
4. They have seen something special in you and have reflected you back to yourself in important ways, surprising ways— maybe even at times puzzling or infuriating ways. This Soul Friend will be The Mirror.
   
   
5. You have recognized in them some gift that you sense you also have inside yourself. As a result, you have felt a mysterious—almost mystic—kinship with them. I’ve come to call this particular friend The Mystic Friend.
   
   
6. They have been irreplaceable companions as you’ve worked your way up the path toward an understanding of the meaning of your life. They’ve shared your struggles to understand, to make meaning, to express and fulfill your true self, and to see into the depths of your soul. They have become conscious partners and allies in your search for an authentic and fulfilled life. Let’s call this Soul Friend The Conscious Partner.

These are six forms of human connection that we must have in order to grow, to thrive, to develop, and to live fully. Much of our spiritual, psychological, and even physical growth takes place in the context of, and as a result of, these special relationships. And I believe that through recognizing and understanding the nature of these connections, we can more skillfully shape who we become.

Excerpted from Soul Friends ©2017, by Stephan Cope, with permission of Hay House.

Stephen Cope is a Senior Scholar-in- Residence and a Kripalu Ambassador. He is a Western-trained psychotherapist who writes and teaches about the relationship between Western psychological paradigms and the Eastern contemplative traditions. Stephen holds degrees from Amherst College and Boston College, and completed graduate and postgraduate training in psychoanalytic psychotherapy. In its 25th anniversary edition, Yoga Journal named him one of the most important innovators in the developing field of American yoga.