Have you ever wondered why our closest intimate relationships provide our deepest comfort and solace, but can also cause us to feel our loneliest, most unsupported and frightened?

Much of this contrast evolves from early socialization and romantic notions encouraged by pop culture, literature and fairy tales that emphasize the intoxicating excitement of romantic love (and even the spark of a great new friendship) and omit the important component of nourishing a relationship.

It is entirely possible for a relationship to offer ongoing warmth and security and be a source of many good things. The key is recognizing what we desire is a sense of connection. Connection exists between any two partners in relationship but maintaining connection requires mindfulness and focus on our relationship vision. As with any mindfulness practice, the combined artistry of attention with intention allows us to create the qualities we desire in our partnership.

Nature ensures we connect through the spark of attraction. It feels so exciting and the instantaneous reduction of anxiety and sense of finding a soul who immediately recognizes us, elates us. However underneath the surface we have unconsciously bonded with a partner we will expect to help heal our developmental emotional wounds and, sure enough (because nature is ingenious!) they will have the same unconscious expectations of us. This will all emerge over time but is the very reason we see a transition from romantic love to a more routine and occasionally problematic stage of conflict called the power struggle.

An intentional relationship involves keeping aware of the goal of connection. We are together in partnership because we want to feel a wonderful sense of security. If we keep that in mind, we can explore how to help one another feel the way we wish to feel. For example, if a partner had parents who ignored her or retreated to other responsibilities and she felt unheard, she would like to be attentively listened to by her partner. In contrast if a partner felt overwhelmed and intruded upon by his parents, he may need a lot of personal space, solitude and downtime. Both partners’ needs can be met if both understand why the other needs these things and learn to express it non-confrontationally. When love is the foundation, and connection the goal, understanding differing needs can lead to compassionate understanding.

Aviva Chansky Guttmann, LMSW is a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist with over 25 years experience counseling couples, individuals and families experiencing challenges ranging from marital conflict, sexual and emotional intimacy, chronic and terminal illness, special needs parenting stress, forensic home studies and other areas of suffering and difficulty. Imago Relationship Therapy offers a safe, focused and nonconfrontational method of dealing with conflict. Aviva is also pursuing accreditation in Certified Sex Therapy through AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists). www.avivachanskyguttmann.com.