We are all imperfect and will fail on occasions, but fear of failure is the greatest failure of all.

~ John Wooden

Someone once said that 99 percent of success is failure. Walking the path of wisdom tells you that loss is gain, and to truly help your kids in athletics, you may want to teach the notion of failure as success.

If you look back on your life, you’ll notice that your failures, setbacks, and mistakes were wonderful opportunities for you to grow and learn what it takes to forge ahead. For me, becoming computer literate was a process of correcting mistakes over and over until I mastered a particular process. Infants do this when they master the complex physical skill of walking. Failure is the teacher that helps us to learn well through pain, adversity, and loss.

I have several tips to offer that will help you to mindfully guide your athlete with this way of thinking. First, explain to your child that mistakes, errors, setbacks, and failures are nature’s way of teaching us how to learn and improve. If your child is playing basketball, for instance, inform him or her that Michael Jordan is well known in basketball circles for always saying he became great because of his mistakes. Our failures in life help us to ultimately win and achieve.

Then I encourage you to be genuine, vulnerable, and transparent by sharing a personal situation in your life where failure actually helped you to go to new levels of achievement. I like to tell others that my bestselling book Thinking Body, Dancing Mind, which is still selling well after twenty-three years, was rejected from publication many times. Although I was discouraged every time a publisher declined my request, I saw each rejection as an opportunity to learn from the setback and to become a better writer. This book and that process actually launched my lifelong career.

I also suggest telling your young athletes that mistakes will always be part of life. You can reduce your fear and anxiety by embracing mistakes using this affirmation on a daily basis: “All my mistakes, errors, and failures are teachers that help me to get better and better.” Then, to help children cope with a mistake when it first happens, ask them to be aware of and change their selftalk. It’s normal for kids to get discouraged and say to themselves something like: “I suck. I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve to play.” However, encourage them to rephrase this self-talk, saying instead: “That mistake sucks. I can do better. Watch me, here I go.” Focus criticism on the action, not the person; this places the word “sucks” where it belongs. Then reinforce the truth that “I can do better” and direct your child to express definitive action: “Watch me, here I go.”

Whenever your child loses a game, has a setback, or makes a mistake, wait a day and then ask this thought-provoking question: “Why are you a better athlete now than you were before that loss or mistake?” By asking this question, you train your child to see the connection between the tough performance or loss and how it teaches us to improve every time. How important is this for the bigger game of life? Once this insightful question is answered, your child may be ready to respond to further analysis. Ask, “What went well?” There is always an upside to every performance, even if it’s something simple like hustling, cheering teammates, or never giving up. Then, once your child sees that all is not lost, ask, “What needs work?” This is a more proactive approach than the all-too-familiar, reactive question: “What went wrong?” All of these questions open a kid’s heart to possibility rather than inability. In this way, children learn that failure, although disappointing, is not as devastating as it seems.

Champions know that failure is a necessary prerequisite to success. Our kids will learn more from their setbacks than their successes. It is up to us as parents to consistently redirect our children toward this way of thinking. In the process, our children will experience less fear, anxiety, tightness, and tension, which, paradoxically, will contribute to a more relaxed, fluid, and successful performance next time. You will also feel like a good parent, more relaxed and calm as you learn to not internalize your child’s external problems. Their issues are not your fault. You’re a wonderful parent with pure intentions.

There is a wonderful Buddhist saying that addresses this attitude of success coming from failure: “The arrow that hits the bull’s eye is the result of a hundred misses.” Your child improves in athletics and life through adversity and failure. Seeing failures as opportunities for success makes all setbacks more tolerable. Let them learn that tomorrow’s another day, and it’s all part of this extraordinary path of learning, growing mentally and emotionally, and developing the inner strength to develop one’s full human capacity. Failure will always be disappointing, but it’s never devastating. That one has not really failed when one fails is the ultimate paradox of life.

With your mindful guidance, your child will begin to understand that great athletes become great as they identify what they learn in defeat and turn that newfound knowledge into a gift for progressing to higher levels of play in the future. Having this positive approach to failure will help your kids to experience much success with sport, an activity that continually offers them the “opportunity” to fail.

Excerpted from the book Let Them Play: The Power & Joy of Mindful Sports Parenting © 2016 by Jerry Lynch. Printed with permission from New World Library — www.newworldlibrary.com

Sports psychologist Dr. Jerry Lynch is the author of Let Them Play and the founder/director of Way of Champions, a consulting group geared toward “mastering the inner game” for peak sports performance. The parent of four athletic kids, he has over thirty-five years of experience as a sports psychologist, coach, athlete, and teacher. Drawing on his experience working with Olympic, NBA, and NCAA champions, Dr. Lynch transforms the lives of parents, coaches, and youth athletes. Find him online at wayofchampions.com.