Several years ago, I was working with a nice young couple. They were both in their early thirties, and had been married almost four years when they started seeing me. They had one child about two years old when they started couples therapy. The therapy went at a normal pace and the relationship seemed to be getting stronger, meaning they were able to express more patience and compassion toward each other.

After a little over a year of seeing me once a week, I realized that neither of them had mentioned the “S” word, sex – not once. So innocently, I asked about their sexual frequency and sexual intensity. We never got an answer to the intensity part of the question. They hadn’t had sex in any form for over two years.

They were both physically healthy and as I stated earlier, in their early thirties. When I tried to probe a little deeper with regards to their perspective on lack of physical intimacy, and their feelings about the situation, I was met with a great deal of angst and resistance. Both immediately blamed the other, taking on little to no responsibility for their own celibacy. The next week they had an excuse why they couldn’t make their therapy session. I never saw them again.

Now you might think this to be a unique or unusual case. I did too, but I decided to do a little research. The results of my research shocked me. Here is what I found:

1. It is estimated that 36% of married couples in this country have not had sex with each other in over two years. Basically that means they have a celibate marriage; more than a third of married couples are celibate.

2. Thirty percent of married couples have sex once or twice a year.

3. Thirty percent of married couples report they have sex approximately once a month.

4. Ninety percent reported that their sexual experience is generally mechanical and not satisfying.

5. Three percent of married couples report that they have sex one or more times a week and the intensity level of their sexual experience is rockets and star bursts – very satisfying. This means the vast majority of American couples (95-97 percent) have little sexual intimacy, and what they do have is not emotionally satisfying.

In case you’re wondering, these figures are approximately the same for all the European countries that have been studied, including Scandinavian countries that have significantly fewer sexual taboos and more liberal mores than our country. Even in Sweden and Denmark, once you’re married, sexual experimentation and frequency diminish markedly.

What about the three to five percent of us who do have active and satisfying sexual intimacy as part of their marriage. You might not be surprised to learn that sexual intimacy corresponds directly with emotional intimacy and open communication. In other words, your sexual experience with your mate is an excellent indicator of the overall intimacy of your marriage.

One way of looking at this phenomena is that if you want more passion and frequency in your sex life with your mate, it requires more openness and intimacy outside the bedroom. A happy marriage and a passionate marriage are pretty much synonymous.

So how do I get that, you might ask? The answer is simple but not easy: You have to open your heart. It is amazing how many blank stares I get from couples when I tell them this. Many, if not most people have no understanding or concept of opening their heart when it comes to their spouse. Let me give you an example: Remember the movie, Good Will Hunting? Robin Williams played a wise therapist, and Matt Damon played a troubled and violent young man with a genius intellect. By court order, Robin is assigned to work with Matt. In their climatic session together, Robin describes his feelings about his wife who died just a few years prior. All the things that might irritate some spouses were the same things that he treasured and remembered her for. The way she messed up the bathroom, the way she always overcooked the chicken, the way she was afraid of spiders were all things he loved her for all the more. They were the things that made her unique. He treasured and missed every one of her idiosyncrasies.

When you have opened your heart to your spouse, you accept them for who they are, as they are. And I don’t mean that you tolerate them, or have given up trying to change them. I mean that you honor and accept them just as they are; with all their wonderful quirks.

Some years ago, I was in a painful relationship. In desperation, we made an appointment with a very wise therapist. For the first twenty minutes of the session my girlfriend went on and on about how I did this, and how I didn’t do that. I was climbing the walls from the tirade of criticism. Finally she took a breath and asked the therapist what he thought. This therapist said, “That’s just who he is. Can you accept William just as he is.” She said, “No, I just can’t accept him as he is.” I got it, and was out the door in less than a week.

If you want a passionate, sexual, loving marriage, you have to open your heart. If you don’t know how or are too afraid, then learn how, and get support. I promise you that it can be done. If you grew up with parents who barely tolerated each other or that stayed together for the kids or for financial security, chances are almost certain you don’t know how to open your heart and that you closed yours at an early age. In fact the thought of opening your heart to her or him probably scares you to death.

One last thing: You might ask: “How do I know when I have opened my heart to my spouse.” The answer is simple: you laugh a great deal – with each other, at each other and at yourself. And when they are in pain, you feel the hurt and you cry with them.

In his masterpiece, The Prophet, Kahil Gibran writes about love with an open heart when he says: “To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and song of praise upon your lips.” I wish all of you married couples a passionate, loving marriage.

William Marcus, L.C.S.W., is a former naval aviator, flooring contractor, and pastor of the Center for Spiritual Living in Atascadero, California. He has been teaching meditation and spiritual principals for over thirty years, and is a psychotherapist licensed in New York, since 1997. He maintains offices in Glen Cove and Forest Hills, NY, where he sees individuals and couples.