Many times your dating life may falter or your married life may stagnate when you forget the art of flirting. If you want to reawaken your abilities, flirting is a great way to start.

When we say flirting, we’re not necessarily talking about making sexual advances or suggestive moves. We’re talking about taking the attention off your agendas, away from your story about yourself, and engaging with the people around you. It’s about being sincerely interested in the guy or gal who serves you your coffee or striking up a conversation with the person next to you in the checkout line. You can even “flirt” with inanimate objects. In other words, if you’re making a meal and slamming the pan around in agitation, that’s no kind of date. But if you’re there for the sensuousness of a tomato or the smell of an orange, it can be a very lovely moment.

There’s a difference between flirting with someone as a manipulation to get better service, such as saying “nice shirt” to the server at Starbuck’s in hopes of getting more whipped cream on your drink, and actually saying “nice shirt” because you mean it.

We did a radio show dedicated to the art of flirting and a teacher named Andrea called in from Switzerland to ask a question about dating. But rather than focusing on her “problem,” we asked about her teaching. “If you’re being light and playful,” Ariel said, “or if you’re serious and directed, in which way do your students learn better?” “When I’m not directed. When we’re just having fun,” she replied. “Well, that’s what we’re talking about. We’re talking about flirting with your life, having fun.” “That’s cool,” Andrea said, “because it sounds so light.” “It is light,” Shya replied. “You can flirt anywhere and everywhere. When you’re being yourself, Andrea, you’re very attractive.”

We talked more with Andrea about flirting in the traditional sense of the word, and Ariel took the lead: “I was really good at flirting when I was on the dating scene, but the challenge was that my flirting was directed. I would look around, pick somebody who fit my picture of Mr. Right, and those were the men I actively flirted with.

Eventually, I got so tired of trying to make it work out, I decided I’d just flirt with Shya because I didn’t have to worry about it going somewhere. He was too old for me, in my opinion, so nothing would ever come of it. It was just a chance to go out and have some fun – no strings attached. I just really shamelessly flirted with him and he flirted back, and we started dating and we’ve never stopped. It’s been one non-stop date. When you direct it, you miss people.”

“When you only look for a certain type of person to date,” Shya added, “have you recognized how you can have the same boyfriend in different bodies? How you’ll pick the same type of guy over and over again?” “Yes, I have,” she said. “Do you ever wonder why that is?” “Yes,” Andrea replied. “In the first five or six years of a child’s life, “ said Shya, “you imprint your whole life going forward in time until you discover awareness about your own behaviors. And so your first love was your father,” Shya stated with certainty. “Yes, yes he was.”

Your father may have been a great guy, but his mental and emotional makeup may not be a fit for you as a mate. Still, you pick people who resemble your father from the child’s point of view at the age you were when you decided that daddy was your love.” “Yes, that’s the truth!” Andrea said brightly. “Perfect.”

“So, Andrea, that isn’t the woman choosing a man to relate to. It’s your conditioning as a child that determines who you choose to date. That’s very dissatisfying for most people. What we’re talking about is flirting indiscriminately, where you allow yourself to be playful and be there to see whoever is in front of you.”

As we continued to chat with Andrea, she came alive at the prospect of flirting in general with her students, and romantically flirting with people who were outside of her normal picks for datable men. Shortly thereafter she began doing it everywhere – with her voice students, with her audiences when she performed and with available men, too. She’s quite good at it and it’s fun to see her express her beauty in such an easy and open manner. It didn’t take much. She was already “flirting” some of the time. She just hadn’t realized that she could approach her whole life in a flirtatious manner. It’s a transformational approach to dating, relating, marriage ... and life.

Excerpted from How to Have A Match Made in Heaven: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage

Since 1987, internationally acclaimed authors, seminar leaders, and consultants Ariel & Shya Kane have taught individuals, couples and organizations across the globe how to live in the moment and unwire the knee-jerk behaviors that get in the way of relating well and living life with ease. Together for 30 years and counting, people still ask Ariel & Shya if they are on their honeymoon. How to Have A Match Made in Heaven: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage, sequel to their best-selling How to Create a Magical Relationship: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage, is a 5-time award winner, including the Mom’s Choice Award (Gold) and the Nautilus Book Awards (Silver) and is available everywhere books are sold. For more information about the book, the Kanes and their seminars, visit www.MatchMadeinHeavenBook.com or www.TransformationMadeEasy.com.