We have been sold a Hollywood bill of goods when it comes to romance. You know, how the handsome and suave leading man always knows exactly what to say -- just the right things at the right time in the right tone — to make his lady love swoon.

Well, the truth is that someone directs this Prince Charming incarnate. And someone – often a woman --- writes his lines for him. Lines she, no doubt, would love to hear. Wouldn’t we all?

What is more passionately romantic than a lover gazing deep into your eyes and reading the feelings and desires of your true being? This is the fantasy of an ideal lover who knows the truths of your soul and who knows exactly how to satisfy you in every way.

Unfortunately, most of us are not mind readers. It is so important to be able to ask for what we want rather than challenge our lover to intuit our feelings. Expecting someone else to know instinctively what we desire and what we need in any moment is very unfair and doomed to disappoint. It is our job to know what we want and what we like, and it is
completely up to us to articulate our needs in such a way as to give them every chance of being met.

When I consult with the couples whose weddings I will officiate, I always urge them to include in their vows not only what they promise to bring to each other and the marriage, but also to ask for what they want to receive. Taking the responsibility for our own happiness and fulfillment is a great gift to give a lover who, presumably wants to please and satisfy us  — or else why would we want to be with him/her anyway?

All those perfect words of comfort and devotion that we long to hear? We can say them to ourselves. Say them with feeling and meaning. We can show ourselves the attention and affection that we all crave — that we lavish on others, but never think to give to ourselves. 

There is only one person in the world guaranteed to stay by our side until the day we die and that is us. So we better learn how to understand, nurture, love, honor and cherish ourselves so that we may know how to cherish and be cherished by another with no guessing games and no pressure.

Our primary love relationship has to be with ourselves. Someone once said, “In order to say ‘I love you,’ you have to be able to say ‘I.’”
 
When we take the time know our Self intimately and embrace all the parts of our being — body, mind, heart and spirit — whole-heartedly, unconditionally, with compassion and no judgment attached, we can be a sovereign lover — not dependant and not beholden. How glorious would that be?

Donna Henes is an internationally renowned urban shaman, contemporary ceremonialist, spiritual teacher, award-winning author, popular speaker and workshop leader whose joyful celebrations of celestial events have introduced ancient traditional rituals and contemporary ceremonies to millions of people in more than 100 cities since 1972. She has published four books, a CD, an acclaimed Ezine and writes for The Huffington Post, Beliefnet and UPI Religion and Spirituality Forum. A noted ritual expert, she serves as a ritual consultant for the television and film industry. Mama Donna, as she is affectionately called, maintains a ceremonial center, spirit shop, ritual practice and consultancy in Exotic Brooklyn, NY where she works with individuals, groups, institutions, municipalities and corporations to create meaningful ceremonies for every imaginable occasion. Watch her videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/MamaDonnaHenes