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Why Befriend Your Ex?
Here are some common responses from people who think befriending your ex can’t work: • “Why would I want to befriend that womanizer?” • “After what she did to me?” • “That liar and thief? I could never trust him again!” While your ex may have caused you grief in the past, befriending your ex is about giving both of you another chance—not for your marriage, but for a new, postdivorce relationship. For Your Children Because you and your ex share children, you have created a bond that is far stronger than anything that could be broken by a signature on a divorce decree. Regardless of your custody agreement, you won’t be able to excise your ex from your life forever. That’s because your ex is your child’s parent forever. One of the most important and consistent research findings regarding the adjustment of children to divorce is that children who have two involved parents adjust to divorce far easier than those who do not (Ahrons 1994; Emery 2004; Wallerstein and Blakeslee 1989). Whether you like it or not, it’s best for your children to have an ongoing relationship with both you and your ex. Since you can’t get your ex out of your life completely, you might as well develop the most positive relationship you can. Avoiding the Trickle-Down Effect Ranked as one of the top stressors in adult life, divorce is said to bring out the worst in people. Divorce often brings a series of big changes, including moving, adjusting to a new neighborhood and changed schedules, suffering a loss of income, or all of these things. When compared to children from intact families, children in adversarial divorces are at greater risk of experiencing a whole host of future psychological problems: depression, substance abuse, and school failure (Wallerstein, Lewis, and Blakeslee 2000; Wallerstein and Blakeslee 2003). Being locked into a hostile or alienated relationship with your ex is arguably the worst stressor for your children. Children absorb parental stress. Being mindful of this trickle-down effect will help you minimize the stress of your divorce on your children. When parents divorce, children are faced with multiple changes and challenges. In addition to possibly having to move, change schools, and make new friends, children often develop acute radar regarding the stability of their environments, especially how dependable their parents will be for them. Children Benefit When Parents Cooperate Arguably the number one predictor of how children of divorced parents will fare emotionally and psychologically is the degree to which their parents can cooperate and communicate (Blau 1993). Many states mandate that divorcing parents take a “parenting apart” class to learn basic skills to help their children best survive divorce. Paramount among these skills is avoiding making negative comments about the other parent and avoiding using the child as a “messenger” between parents. Befriending your ex is an extension of the cooperative parenting that most mental health professionals advise is in the best interest of the children. Even if you were in a high-conflict marriage, the odds are that if you work at it, you will be able to get along as parents because, regardless of your differences and whether your ex engages in behavior that you consider to be “wrong,” she can still be a parenting partner to you and an effective parent to your children. Your ex may be a good-enough parent even if he/she was not a good-enough spouse. Your ex may be willing to collaborate with you on the child-rearing issues that arise today, tomorrow, and in the years to come. Over and over I have seen that when two former partners can cooperate around the children, over time they forge a friendship that’s good for not only the children but also themselves. You may be able to access feelings of kindness, compassion, and gratitude for the person who is still your parenting partner. For Your Own Well-Being Life is precarious, and having enduring connections with others helps all of us feel more grounded and secure. Even if, right now, you are still soothing the wounds of your divorce, your ex might be able to be a compassionate co-parent and a generous collaborator. Hopefully, your ex is someone whom you once loved and who once loved you. Your ex is someone with whom you share a history, someone who may well represent one of the most enduring relationships of your life. There’s no guarantee that you will re-couple, remarry, or stay remarried, but if you have children, your ex will forever be their parent and thus be in your life forever. You don’t want to worry about a continuing negative relationship with the person with whom you are likely to share many extraordinary moments in your children’s lives, from graduations and marriages to grandparenthood. Remaining enemies with your ex is bad for your mental and physical health. On the other hand, the effort you put into befriending your ex can only add value to your life.
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Judith Ruskay
Rabinor, Ph.D., is a psychologist,
psychotherapist,
author, founder
and director of the
American Eating
Disorders Center
with offices in
New York City
and Lido Beach,
Long Island.
For more than
three decades
she has worked with individuals, couples,
groups and families. Dr. Rabinor taught for
decades at Long Island University, and has
also presented her work to diverse audiences,
including Harvard University Continuing
Education, Esalen Institute, Princeton
University, Barnard College and the Oprah
Winfrey TV show. Currently she consults to
the Renfrew Center Foundation and is an
instructor and supervisor at the Center for the
Study of Anorexia and Bulimia in New York
City.