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First Things First in Relationships
After what seems like a breathtakingly short amount of time, the infatuation stage is over and we face the reality of who our partner really is, and who we are as well. This is when the real growth process begins. Our partner reflects back to us our own behaviors and beliefs – often to our disappointment or chagrin. This allows us to get to know ourselves better, offering us the opportunity to truly transform, in part by practicing understanding, compassion and forgiveness – and being loving towards ourselves as well (a positive emotional feedback loop). Before we can truly love others and create healthy and happy relationships, we need to love ourselves first. Of course, the obvious conundrum here is how do we learn something that perhaps was never (or inadequately) modeled for us. It is quite a challenge to love ourselves, to truly care for our own feelings, hurts and confusion if we did not experience that nurturing growing up. Here is a short primer to loving ourselves so that we can love others better: •Know that you are a work in progress, or actually a work in process. Like a beautiful piece of art not yet complete, it’s unwise, unfair and even hurtful to judge ourselves. Having compassion for ourselves can make this a lot easier. •Realize that at any given moment we are usually doing the best we can or know how to do. •Learn where our soft spots are (our sensitivities and vulnerabilities) and try to take care of and protect them by setting up good healthy boundaries. •Know that inside we have a constellation of selves with different needs. Try to listen and learn who needs what in a similar way that a parent might care for the needs of a child. •Speak kindly to yourself, seeing yourself as a precious soul here to learn and grow; listen closely to the internal voices (negative introjects) from the past, neutralize them and replace them with kind words of encouragement (even if you have to first practice them because you may have never heard them spoken to you while growing up). Perhaps you’ll find that as you do this for yourself you’ll reflexively begin doing this for your partner and others in your life. Projecting healthy self-love is something that you can intend for all of your relationships. It’s the love born out of self-understanding, empathy and care that will express itself in the generosity of spirit, compassion, and selfless service that can be so healing in all of our relationships.
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When we start a
new relationship
we’re usually swept
up in an ecstatic exhilaration
born out of the adrenaline
rush of the meeting of our
personas and the merging
of selves that feels so reminiscent
of our original,
contented, womblike state.
Michael Mongno MFT, Ph.D, LP is a licensed psychoanalyst, relationship
therapist. and holistic practitioner. He is
the founder of Present Centered Therapies
which synthesizes
Gestalt and
Cognitive
Behavioral
therapies, Eastern
spirituality as
well as Imago
and Emotionally
Focused Couples
Therapy. He has
trained with the best in the field of
couples therapy and brings a wealth of
experience, down-to-earth wisdom and
modern sensibility to what it takes to
create healthy, loving relationships.
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