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Becoming Fearless During Loss and Change
YOU CANNOT STEP INTO THE SAME RIVER TWICE The Greek philosopher Heraclitus tells us that “you cannot step into the same river twice.” The next moment you step into the river, not only is the river different, but you are different as well: your body temperature has changed, your mood, the moment. You have been impacted by all that has gone on. The river too has undergone changes, it has washed over rocks, swished the underbrush, tossed different fish inside it. The river is different and so are you. How beautiful and thrilling. However, many do not feel that change is beautiful and thrilling. They find it frightening, resist it and do all they can to block it out. They set up dams to hold it back; rigid beliefs and ideas that seek to contain the flow. This resistance to change causes real pain. If not for the process of constant change, no growth would be possible. You would not be able to tell the difference between childish infatuation and real compassion. After you breathed in, you could not breathe out. A child could not go from sitting to crawling. Change is your friend. Change is a gift. It is crucial that you learn to see it that way. Fear, however, has a different plan. Fear says change is dangerous, security comes from holding on to what’s familiar, to the past. Fear basically advises not to grow up. Although we grow older chronologically, many do not develop a sense of independence or openness to change. Instead we conform to old patterns and endlessly repeat the mistakes of the past. THE REPETITION COMPULSION The repetition compulsion is the unconscious compulsion to repeat events in the past that were painful or traumatic, in the hope that they will come out differently this time. But the situation can’t turn out differently, because you aren’t different, change has not taken place. CHANGE IS NOT LOSS Most resist change because it feels like loss. But, change is not loss, it is simply change; inevitable, healthy and necessary. Rather than see change as bringing new life and growth, it’s easy to see it as a villain, taking away something you’ve loved. However, if something truly belongs to you, nothing can take it away. If something does not belong to you, no matter how hard you cling, it still must go where it belongs. A Taoist story tells of an old man who accidentally fell into the river rapids, leading to a dangerous waterfall. Onlookers feared for his life. Miraculously, he came out alive and unharmed. People asked him how he managed to survive. He replied, “I accommodated myself to the water, not the water to me. Without thinking, I allowed myself to be shaped by it. Plunging into the swirl, I came out with the swirl. This is how I survived.” By refusing to let go, you are fighting against the force of change. Of course this force has to win. No one can stop the tide from coming in and flowing out. Why would you waste your precious life energy this way? Look at what it is that you are holding onto right now, what do you refuse to let go? You might not have even realized how hard you’ve been grasping. When you stop grasping for a few moments, it is easy to see that it is the grasping itself that causes the pain. When you begin to let go, to open your hands, mind and heart, you reverse this age-old pattern. In particular, we want to hold onto relationships and make sure that they always stay the same. It’s important to realize that life has its own intrinsic laws of coming and going, meeting and parting. Once you have met and shared, you become part of one another, always connected, there is nothing you can lose. By letting go throughout all your experiences, you can enjoy what comes more fully, and be more at peace when the time comes for the person or situation to go. When you can do this, change comes with a gift for you in the palm of its hands. WHEN THEY COME WE WELCOME, WHEN THEY GO WE DO NOT PURSUE. This statement is a wonderful way to handle change. Take your hands off life and allow it to run as it does, and a great deal of energy and peace of mind are restored. Welcome whatever comes into your world today, even what may seem unwanted, or unplanned for. If it is there, welcome it. Don’t fight it, thank it for being present. As you do so, you will become available to experience whatever appears in a truly different way. When something leaves, don’t hold on. Let it go, thank it for the time spent together and give it space to go, without guilt, sorrow or dread. This is giving a very great gift. Find out how to release fear in Dr Shoshanna’s new book, Fearless: The 7 Principles of Peace of Mind, www. becomefearless.org. A Psychologist and speaker, she provides life changing guidelines and exercises so you can develop authentic peace of mind. Talks and workshops available. Contact her at: topspeaker@yahoo.com. |
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There is an incredible
idea we all live with
that everything will and
should stay the same. We cling
to this notion for dear life and
are continually surprised when
things we love leave, relationships
fade, our body changes,
or our fortunes fluctuate.
When all of this happens, as it
naturally must, we may even
feel personally insulted or
betrayed.
Many say, “how can this be happening to
me?” Others feel victimized by change, as if
it’s living proof that they are failures. They
have failed to hold everything together, to
keep things the same. They have failed to
have their expectations realized, expectations
which did not factor in the inevitable
process of change.