Whose Clothes Are You Wearing?
by Vijay Director

Watching the Winter Olympics in Vancouver created a warm feeling for me. The Pacific Northwest is one of, if not my favorite place on the planet. I love the beauty, progressive, friendly attitudes of the people – as well as the connection with Nature that is celebrated there.

In watching the figure skating competition, I was warmed by the artwork used to adorn the rink – particularly the colors – lots of greens and blues. Combining these two colors is fairly commonplace today, but forty-five years ago, it was considered uncomplimentary or gauche.

Green was my favorite color growing up, maybe having something to do with my greenish, hazel eyes, in contrast to the blue eyes of my parents and sisters. I remember a day, probably in the third grade, which would make me about 8 or 9 years old, when I dressed myself for school wearing a green shirt and blue pants. My mother was very perturbed when she saw me – and shamed me by saying something like, “You’re not wearing that to school, are you? Green and blue don’t go together.” I really don’t remember how I responded, I’m guessing that I changed my shirt, with my tail between my legs, but I may have decided to wear what I wanted to – and probably really enjoyed it. At the moment, my response doesn’t seem so important, my mothers’ shaming of me is what I remember vividly.

It’s come to me lately that one of the major steps for us in becoming a “true” adult – something rarely seen in our culture – is to examine our values: The ones that we’ve chosen for ourselves and the ones that were put (or jammed or railroaded) into us by others, probably when we were too small to defend ourselves or to be able to evaluate in the moment if we agreed with them or not.

This process is crucial to examine, for our unquestioned values point to the parts of us that, when our children ask us questions, we find ourselves blurting out the same things that our parents said to us – whether we really believe them or not.

And if we do not take some time and energy to do a sort of personal inventory – to really look at our values and sort out which ones are really consistent with who we are today, then in essence, we’re still walking around in clothes picked out for us by someone else. We’re not really living our own lives.

In the book “He,” Jungian therapist Robert Johnson discusses the mythic journey of becoming a “mature” male. In the end, he shows that a major part of this process is for a man to “give back to his mother the clothes she gave him.” A big part of a mother’s job is to socialize her children, to help them learn how to get along with others. For many children, this means learning how to “be nice.” An important lesson for children to learn – yet a crucial lesson for a potential adult to unlearn or grow beyond if we are ever going to learn to truly be ourselves.

In one of the more touching, inspirational films for me, “Brother Sun, Sister Moon,” which depicts the path of St. Francis of Assisi, there is a scene which thoroughly depicts St. Francis’ rejection of his parents’ (mother and father’s) values. He does this by disrobing in public and presenting his clothes to his parents, then turning away and walking out of town, to begin work on his own church – a new, different, more simple and heart-felt path.

So, what values, beliefs and goals have you been bringing with you into your life, and who put them there originally? How have they helped you along the way? Are they still working for you or are they like comfortable, old shirts that you just can’t part with, even though you know they have lived out their usefulness long ago? If so, what keeps you holding on to them? What’s the fear of letting them go?

Conversely, what values, beliefs or opinions have you taken on in rebellion against your parents, siblings, teachers, mentors or childhood religious leaders? Are these any more consistent with who you are today – or who you want to be? Or, do they reflect a contrary, immature form of anger or passivity, where your current choices are still based on those of others, instead of emanating from who you are today?

As for me, I’m chronically looking at these factors in my life – and now, proudly wearing green and blue and any other color combination, textile and style that feels right to me, as I continue to grow, evolve – and occasionally… mature.

Vijay Director has been guiding people through their emotional/spiritual/professional realms for 18 years. Since 1989, he has facilitated “A Gathering of Warriors,” groups for men. Vijay also founded, published and was editor-in-chief for Creations Magazine, and founded The InnerLight Center, Dreams East, and the New York Chapter of the P.E.E.R. Training in Emotional Release. He has been a Lead Trainer in P.E.E.R. since 2001. Today, he also coaches high school tennis and leads workshops in “Zennis” in western North Carolina. For private consultations (available by phone), retreats, groups or info, call 828.664.0000 or vijay@peertraining.org.