Detachment ≠ Disconnection
by Zelda Schemaille • Sea Cliff, NY

People often confuse the concept of detachment with disconnection. One concept maintains inner peace. The other does not. When we are emotionally “attached,” we live from the belief that our happiness depends upon the object of attachment. In reality, attachment is an escape from one’s self and places the responsibility for our happiness on something or someone outside of our self. We can become attached to anything – a person, our adult children, money, possessions, an ideology, even a “lucky charm.” When we are detached, we come out of obsession and suffering and into our true self, life force and spirit.

Let me tell you about Susan, a 40 year-old teacher. She grew up highly enmeshed with her parents. As the oldest of 4 siblings, it became her role to take care of the others. She was not allowed to separate from her family and was basically cocooned from a social life outside the familial group. She became the caretaker of her parents as they aged, and after they died, she experienced a lengthy period of mourning. With few resources to reach out into the world, she became attached to her married brother, who now paid little mind to her and did nothing to include her. More and more, my patient became “attached” to this belief that her happiness depended upon a different relationship with her brother. As the relationship failed to shift, Susan became depressed and immobilized from moving into the world, although in reality, this was the first time she was truly free to do so.

One night she had a dream, in which she heard a “message” from her mother. In the dream, her mother told Susan that her brother was busy and overwhelmed, and that she should no longer expend energy on expecting more from him. Instead, her mother told her to focus on her own happiness. My patient was able to really hear her mother’s message. It freed her from her suffering and attachment to her bother’s acceptance as the perceived source of happiness. Her dream represented the healthy “mother” in HER, that gave her permission to detach, and be free from suffering.

Now, the challenge here, as with any process of detachment is to do it with love and open-heartedness. To remain filled with anger, resentment and disappointment only perpetuates suffering and keeps us attached to the object. Instead, focus on inner peace as your priority. Allow for a gentle “letting go,” and focus on self, knowing that real serenity comes from within. It might have been easier for Susan, for example, to say “The heck with my brother- if he can’t be there for me, I am done with him!” That would be disconnection, NOT detachment. Feel the difference in the energy. Which brings more peace? Would you rather be locked into ongoing suffering, or wish the other well, and begin to open to the joy available from within?

So, be like the Buddha. Detach with love, but stay connected – to self, others, and the world.

Zelda Schemaille is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, who has been in private practice for 25 years. As a Gestalt psychotherapist, Zelda has trained and supervised other therapists in this modality. Her work presently incorporates the concepts of Buddhism with psychotherapy. For info on individual, couples, or group counseling, call (516) 759-4004, (516) 385-0394, or e-mail: azsche@aol.com.