Who Are We When We’re in Love?
by Dr. Allan Hunter • Watertown, MA

Love can be the most exciting thing to ever happen to us. Who hasn’t felt the wonder and the giddiness of new love? Unfortunately, if it falls apart a few years later in a divorce it can also be one of the most expensive mistakes we can make, both spiritually and monetarily. The trouble is that when we fall in love we tend to not act the way we usually do. Calm people become excitable, reserved people throw caution to the winds, and even happy people may become anxious. In fact most of us are thrown off balance by love – we’re literally not ourselves. It’s really difficult to make good life decisions when we feel like that.

Let’s look at this a different way. Many of us know who we are, but how many of us know, truly know, who we are when we’re in love? And when we’re looking for someone to love – who are we then? If you ask around you’ll see that people who seem reasonable most of the time often find themselves trusting too much, or forgiving too easily, or putting up with bad treatment from a partner, and they may do this again and again.

So it’s probably a good idea to ask ourselves who we become when we’re in love so we can be prepared for how we might tend to act. I suggest that there are six distinct stages we can go through if we are to grow a healthy and trusting relationship, one that will last: the Innocent, the Orphan, the Pilgrim, the Warrior-Lover, the Monarch, and the Magician.

Looking at how this works, you could say that each time we fall in love we are, to some extent, having the experience for what seems like the first time. We are Innocents – if only for a while – and we tend to idealize the other person and the relationship. As we gain experience we may do this less than before, but there will still be that initial optimistic innocence. The Innocent lover will trust too much and will always forgive – and sometimes is mistreated as a result.

Experience teaches us that we can’t trust everyone, and at that point we may become Orphans – people who will accept an attachment that is less than perfect because it’s better than being alone. Sometimes these relationships can continue to grow, but often they can’t, because there’s not quite enough there to allow for real change. The “dead” relationship that’s stuck in a rut is a symptom of this stage when it goes wrong.

So what’s next? The Pilgrim seems to be the next possibility, which is when the disappointed Orphan goes back into the world and says “I want something better – even if I don’t know what it is yet!” That takes courage, and there are no guarantees that the venture will pay off, of course.
Staying on this pilgrimage will, eventually, provide a suitable person to love and a
fitting life to live, too, and at that point the lover is ready to commit to a relationship built on real understanding – and to fight to make it work. That’s the Warrior-Lover.

The Warrior-Lover learns, as the relationship moves forward, that love is not just about two people on their own, but about everyone involved in the relationship; children, parents, friends, relatives. Love, as we know, tends to grow so it encompasses more and more people in the community. We’ve all seen the house in the neighborhood that everyone goes to, where all the kids feel safe (even if their own homes are a little difficult) and where there is always a welcome. At that point the loving couple are moving towards being Monarchs – loving rulers of a small world that is far more than just themselves. Whether it’s grandma’s house or a summer vacation with aunt Milly, the situation is the same and everyone gets nurtured.

Monarchs nurture everyone, even those they don’t get on with or like particularly, because their sense of love allows them to respect others as they grow and change and become the people they are capable of being. That’s when they can become Magicians – the people who inspire others to be more than they ever imagined was possible. The team coach may be wheezy and have bad knees, but she can work the magic that causes the school team to give every ounce of their energy. She inspires others. It’s a smaller version of what the Dalai Lama does, perhaps, but it’s still an important contribution.

In the process of going through these stages our understanding of love will change – or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that love will have depth and power added to it, because that aging team coach still loves her spouse, her children, and the players -- each one in a way that is slightly different, and each time in a way that is respectful of the individual.

Which leads us back to the questions we started with: when you’re in love, which stage do you choose to be in? Are you the Innocent – constantly being disappointed? Are you the Orphan, putting up with second best? Or have you gone on a Pilgrimage for something better? Perhaps you already have a situation where your home feels like grandma’s house and you spend a fortune on the extra groceries. Sometimes you may wonder what it all means. If you can see your efforts as those of the Monarch you can, perhaps, understand what you have to do more fully, and why it is so vital.

Dr Allan Hunter is a counselor and a professor of literature at Curry College in Massachusetts. His latest book, The Six Archetypes of Love is available on Amazon and from Findhorn Press. To learn more go to: www.sixarchetypes.com.