The Yoga of Love
by Kamini Desai, FL

Yoga means union. Yoga philosophy tells us that when male and female polarities come into balance, we merge into oneness. In that oneness, we experience divinity. We experience a sense of wholeness, peace and contentment far beyond the confines of the thinking mind. We expand beyond the small, conflicted self and recognize the complete Self that is our true nature. All separateness dissolves. In that experience our divinity is revealed.

That same experience is reflected in the worldly experience of love. As we become united in love, we experience a sense of dissolving. The boundaries within which we normally live fall away and we experience an expanded connection; not only with our partner, but with all of life. Through opening ourselves to the other, we become one.

Most of us have experienced union in love. But many of us do not know how to return to that experience independent of another person. This is why many of us become dependent on the people in our lives—to create the experience of love for ourselves. We become attached, fearful or insecure because it appears that the other person holds the keys to our happiness. What we fail to recognize is that love is not present because of how or even who the other person is, but rather it is because of who we are in the presence of the other.

When we understand that love is an internal experience based on our ability to be unconditional with life, we can create that experience of love, union, anywhere, at any time. Then relationship becomes a place where we can practice yoga—the art of experiencing our wholeness—integration, in the midst of all life circumstances.

Skillful Yoga in Relationship

Practice unconditional love and that begins with you. It means accepting who you are and what your needs are—with the recognition that these play into the equation as much as the needs of your loved one. Can you accept that these needs are true for you? Now look at your partner—what is valid for that person? Begin with ALL of this in the picture.

Ask for what you need but let go of your expectations or conditions of how the other person will respond. In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna says, “you have the right to action, not the results of action”. Take the steps you need to take, say what you need to say. But release any expectation of how your loved one will respond—that which you cannot control.

How do I know when the relationship no longer serves me?

On the yoga mat, we practice at the edge. The edge is the place where the pose is intense enough that we have to use all our awareness to stay relaxed and open in the pose. Similarly, we want to be practicing at our edge in relationship. We want to be challenged to stay relaxed and open, but we don’t want to consistently find ourselves in such an intense “pose” that we are simply going into survival mode—tolerating it until it is over.

Consistently working beyond our edge robs us of the transformational potential in a relationship. We end up practicing survival rather than expanding our capacity to love. That is why it is important to be able to practice within a structure that is do-able. If we are in a relationship where we are more often than not beyond our edge, adjustments to reduce the intensity may be in order. In some relationships, adjustments will be more easily made. In others, fewer options will be available.
What happens in the experience of love?

Yoga is about recognizing that love is less about what the other person does, and more about our capacity to stay open to them. The more we can develop our capacity to keep our heart open to the totality of the other person, the more love we will experience in our lives. Yoga in relationships is an empowering practice. It enables us to take back the power that we often unwittingly give to our loved ones.
Relationship is a powerful forum within which to practice unconditional love and the benefits manifest themselves in our worldly life, as well as within our interior life. This is the essence of practicing yoga in relationships. In its ultimate form, it serves the same purpose as yoga—recognition of the essential and infinite love that is always present if we choose to experience it.

Kamini Desai directs workshops and lectures around the country on the applications of yoga in everyday life. For more details call Frances Radhika La Valley at: 203-834-2883 or visit: www.kaminidesai.com.