Better Parenting Tools
by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

Parents: Suppose there was something that would positively affect your children, your family, and yourself?

Suppose you could replace parenting techniques that are disrespectful, demeaning, and counterproductive to raising responsible, caring, confident children? Then please consider the following:

The old tools are no longer working. Yelling, shaming, scolding, lectures, inducing guilt, spanking, and bribing children with stars, stickers and performance charts give only the illusion of being effective. The gains you see are short-lived and quickly become self-defeating. Fear, resentment and negative core beliefs are often the long-term result of using these outdated strategies. These tools do not build self-reliant, self-responsible, self-motivated children.

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to look at everything as if it were a nail. Using power against children invites a power struggle. You pull out your hammer and they pull out a bigger one. You get a bigger hammer and they continue the escalation with an even bigger hammer. Because parents have the biggest hammers we often win these battles. The problem here is that no one wins in a hammer fight. Everybody loses.

Eliminate judgment. Judgment keeps you from seeing your children clearly. If you judge a child as lazy, you are less likely to see ambitious behavior. If you judge her as uncaring, you will have difficulty noticing her benevolent acts. Strive to see your children’s true depth.

Be out of your mind. Resist the urge to overanalyze. Pay no attention to the outdated thought that, “My parents did it to me and I turned out alright.” Listen instead to your heart. Follow your intuition.

Appreciate the moment. The best present to give your children is to be fully present when you are with them. There is only one moment to see, feel, express, learn, grow, or heal with your children. This is it.

Reawaken your curiosity. Clean out your present expectations and your assumed knowledge of why your children do things. Return to wonder. Be fascinated by what they do. Let yourself be awed. Allow your curiosity to bloom. See with beginner’s eyes as if you were seeing this moment for the first time.

Clean up your schedule. Every child in the world spells love, T-I-M-E. Adjust your priorities. Pick through your list of social and business activities. Get rid of old obligations and habits that prevent you from investing time with your children.

Cut down on talking. Reduce your need to explain, lecture, moralize, rationalize, and convince. The first step towards love is to listen. Give your children the gift of your presence by hearing rather than telling, by acknowledging instead of convincing, by understanding rather than jumping to conclusions.

Apologize and begin again. Today can be the time of new beginnings. Do you need to begin again with one of your children? Do you need to make amends? If so, tell her what you learned and what you intend to do differently from now on. Then follow through.

Rework truth. Free your mind of the notion that there is ONE truth. You know your truth. Allow your children to find theirs. Model for your children how you live your truth. Support them in their efforts to find their own truth and encourage them to trust it.

Give your children space. Yes, protect them, keep them safe, give them guidance – and give them space. The more you think you know how their life should unfold the less you will be present to the way their life is unfolding now. The more you clutter their lives with “shoulds,” the more you will miss what is.

Fix it up. What parenting concerns need to be fixed in your home? Do you need to fix a relationship, the unsupervised use of the TV and the internet, or a re-occurring stress? Fix your mind first so you are tuned into fixing problems rather than fixing blame. Maintain a solution-seeking mindset as you fix it.

Punishment doesn’t work. Do you like the way the penal system is working in this country? If not, get rid of it and replace it with teaching and holding your children accountable by implementing natural, respectful, reasonable consequences.

Give yourself a perception check. Remember, you can choose to see any parenting situation differently from the way you are presently seeing it. Perception is always a choice. Ask yourself, “Is this way of seeing this problem the one that brings the most light and love to the situation?” Use this present moment to enlighten your parenting perceptions and actions.

An enlightened parenting style adds positive energy and love that can produce brighter, cleaner, and healthier family relationships.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of Teaching the Attraction Principle to Children: Practical Strategies for Parents & Teachers to Help Children Manifest a Better World.