Our relationship with sexuality in our culture is both paradoxical and unnerving. On the one hand, sexual imagery abounds. Everywhere we turn, billboards, magazines and websites, offer provocative and erotic imagery. Yet, in spite of its abundance, this imagery is neither real nor embodied. It reflects thousands of years of the mind-body-spirit split and dualistic thinking. We have learned to separate sexuality not only from spirituality, but also from our natural body.

Sex therapist and researcher Gina Ogden, who conducted the first nationwide survey on sexuality and spirituality, reflects, “We have been taught how to be sexy, but not how to be sexual.” We have been taught to fantasize and create sexual thoughts in our minds, but have not been educated about learning what pleasures us and how we both express ourselves and connect with others in our skin and energetically. Fundamentalist religions have spent hundreds of years telling people what is and what is not appropriate. “Many women come into my office having known sex only as an out of body experience,” continues Ogden. So, while sex is in our faces, it is too often disconnected from our hearts, our souls, our bodies and the very life energy that sex is about.

We suffer deeply from this disconnection. How many of us yearn for passion, meaning and fulfillment in our lives not only sexually, but at all levels? How many of us override our body wisdom, our inner knowing, in pursuit of external, socially prescribed ideals and goals? How many men and women suffer from what we label as “sexual dysfunction,” unable to experience their bodies as instruments of pleasure, connection, union and surrender? Neither gender is given the tools, the experiences and the support to develop a personally fulfilling sense of sexuality. We are taught to “function” and “perform” sex rather than BE sexual. We are taught to fragment, to compartmentalize, to dissociate and not to integrate our sexual selves.

Having interviewed both men and women, I have come to see that we suffer from a cultural heart wound that affects both genders in different ways. The wounded male heart separates sex from love, and links sex with mental fantasies, visual imagery and “sex is sex” thinking. The wounded female heart fears sexual power, sexual expression and often never develops a sexual self. Sexual anorexia and sexual addiction proliferate, two sides of the same coin. The sexual anorexic represses his/her passion. Out of fear, trauma, anger or hurt, s/he disengages from sexual need, sexual passion and sexual expression. The sexual addict cannot distinguish passion from the sensual high of what is often emotionally and spiritually dissociated sex. In his/her relentless pursuit of sexual connection, s/he damages self and others along the way. Sex becomes destructive rather than life enhancing.

How do we get from all of these out of balance sexual states to a more integrated sexuality? A first step is creating emotionally safe environments that allow us to reconnect with our bodies and come to our senses. When we are not emotionally safe, we numb ourselves, shut down and leave our bodies. Ogden comments, “The most spiritual sex is also the most embodied sex. One of the characteristics of truly spiritual sex is that the sensations are heightened. These are not only physical sensations, but also emotional and spiritual sensations.” Emotional safety allows us to explore, experiment, give and receive, and see what truly pleasures us and our partners. Emotional safety allows us to ask permission to touch and be touched, and have the freedom to say “yes” and “no.”

A second step is to expand our understanding of sex beyond just intercourse or the quest for orgasm. Sex is the interchange of energy, and at the deepest level can be soul energy exchange. Sex can happen between partners and with yourself. Sex can provide a connection with nature and the divine. Sexual experiences can energize you. Just as the electromagnetic current of the heart touches others within 10 feet of our bodies, sexual energy can reach beyond the boundary of our bodies and hands. We are in early childhood in our sexual evolution; still evolving and growing. Yet, look how far we have come since fifty years ago!

Good sex education is not just about sperm fertilizing eggs or techniques you can try with a partner or avoiding STD’s. Good sex education is by its very nature experiential. We need to learn how to live more in our bodies and experience sexual energy. Experiential workshops, rituals and classes are powerful learning environments that many people crave. People can share their thoughts, feelings and experiences which provide others with points of comparison and allows wisdom to be shared in the most personal way. It is a ridiculous paradox that we expect to learn about sexuality, an embodied process, from reading a book.

“People go through different phases,” notes performance artist and Sex Educator, Annie Sprinkle. What happens when you hit menopause? When you get divorced? When you feel you really want to explore? Or be celibate? “Some people want to explore their kinky side. Others have done that and are ready to do something else. Some people know exactly what they want and are happy doing that their whole lives.”
A helpful image to use in exploring an integrated sexuality is comparing how our culure deals with food. As our consciousness evolves, more and more people are choosing “whole” foods or what in some circles is considered “gourmet” food. These foods may be higher quality, more sensually appealing or more nourishing in health promoting ways. Sex comes in many different packages, just like food. Sex can be a quick release of tension. Sex can be anonymous or deeply personal. Sex can also be a kind of soul food, which nourishes our bodies, minds and spirits. Perhaps integrated sex is “whole” sex or “gourmet” sex, deeply satisfying and deeply intimate. Not everyone is interested in it or cares about it. As we evolve as a society, as our consciousness grows, whole sex is a direction we will move towards. As we heal the mind-body split and the sex-spirit split, we will recognize the life sustaining value of integrated sexuality.

Linda Marks, MSM, is a body-centered psychotherapist and founder of the Boston Area Sexuality and Spirituality Network and has written for Spirit of Change magazine for over 20 years. Linda is also the author of Living with Vision: Reclaiming the Power of the Heart (Knowledge Systems, 1989) and Healing the War Between the Genders: The Power of the Soul-Centered Relationship (HeartPower Press, 2004). Linda holds degrees from Yale and MIT. Contact: www.healingheartpower.com. Her blog is: www.heartspacecafe.com/blog.