The Biological Challenge for Fathers
by Michael Gurian • Spokane, Washington

Fathering is a commitment of the heart of manhood to the future of human civilization. It is done one child at a time. Mothers and fathers bond somewhat differently to their children—this is nature’s way of giving children the best of two wonderful worlds at once.

A father does not secrete high does of oxytocin, progesterone, or estrogen—biochemicals that hormonally bond offspring to the chemical host. Therefore, men do not have as deep a biological bond with their children as do their mothers. The male body requires greater reliance on both emotional and social bonding systems in order to complete the father’s attachment to his offspring. He has to bond emotionally with his child, and he has to be aided in ongoing connection to offspring through social strategies like social status, social pressure, marriage, and role modeling.

David Blankenhorn, in his classic book on fathering, Fatherless America, acknowledges this reality by writing: “Men, more than women, are culture-made.” Margaret Mead, years earlier, discovered: the most telling way of judging a civilization is by observing its ability to socialize its men into healthy, attached and effective fathers. Fathers, perhaps more than mothers, must learn to father.

That a man is not biochemically bonded to his offspring in the same way as the mother provides the base, in nature, for both the difficulties and the high achievements of being a father. He must be attached and yet he always remains detached. He is most often a doer—one who is always in action for his children. But many of his actions—especially if he works far away—do not show daily attachment to those children. Nature has given men their own particular challenge as fathers, and has done so for millions
of years.

Excerpted with permission from The Wonder of Girls, published by Atria Books, 2002.

Michael Gurian, therapist and educator, has worked extensively with families, school districts, churches, and criminal justice agencies. Big Brothers and Big Sisters use his training videos for parents and volunteers. A lecturer and consultant, Gurian leads workshops and seminars throughout the U.S. and Canada. His work has been featured in The N.Y. Times & Newsweek and on CBS, The Today Show & NPR, among many others.