Rekindling Sexual Passion
by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. • Ojai, CA

Excerpted with permission from Spirit-Centered Relationships, published by Hay House (January 2006) and available at all bookstores or online at: www.hayhouse.com.

In working with many couples, as well as in the personal experience we’ve gained from our own marriage, we’ve found that absolute honesty is crucial to a long-lasting, vibrant, and harmonious relationship. You’ve heard the cliché that honesty is the best policy, but what may surprise you is hearing that it’s also the best aphrodisiac there is. And because total candor brings peace of mind along with it, it’s also the best way to get a good night’s sleep afterward.

Honesty is such a powerful sexual stimulant because if there is any significant truth you haven’t communicated to your partner, you’re going to crimp the flow of comfortable communication between you. And when the flow is shut down, you not only forfeit the right to expect a good relationship with your partner, but you also experience a reduction in sexual desire.

Any significant withheld truth stops the flow of harmony cold, and sexual energy is quick to follow. Most people don’t realize this simple principle, so when things aren’t going well in their relationship, they think that the other person is the source of what’s wrong. We’ve found, though, that it’s wise to look on one’s own front doorstep first. If you don’t feel sexually turned on to your partner, or if you’re having trouble getting a good night’s sleep, you’ve probably withheld some truth that needs communicating.

Here are some of the most popular examples of such truths, drawn from the couples we’ve worked with:

• I’ve had sexual experiences I haven’t told you about.

• I’ve spent money you don’t know about.

• I’ve got ____________, and I haven’t told you about it.

• I’m still angry about _____________.

• I’m still hurt about ______________.

• I’m scared about _______________.

• I really want ____________, and I’m afraid to tell you.

It’s important to note that any withheld truth can crimp the flow of sexual desire in a relationship—not just ones that involve sex in some way. Most people tell us that they haven’t been honest with their partner because "he/she really doesn’t want to hear the truth" or because "I don’t want to hurt her/him." When our clients get under these superficial excuses, the reason usually turns out to be: "I haven’t told the truth because I don’t want to face the consequences." And under that lies the real reason: "I haven’t told the truth because I fear living at the highest level of creativity and energy, and lying is one way I’ve learned that will reliably dampen my energy."

The Positive Side

People dread telling the truth because they fear the consequences, but in actual fact, we’ve only seen positive consequences for being honest in the long run. We’ve seen hundreds of relationships come to life again after the revelation of some significant truth. Yes, there’s often a short-term flurry of upset following the explanation, but the ultimate outcome is usually a more stable and higher-functioning relationship. The surprising payoff is that sexual desire comes to life again in the wake of the truth telling.

Now, how do you actually do this? If you want to rekindle sexual passion by revealing some withheld truths, you’ll likely have better success if you follow a few simple guidelines drawn from real-life experiences with hundreds of couples:

• First, get agreement from your partner that he or she wants a transparently honest relationship. This is done by asking a few simple questions. Look your partner in the eyes and say something like this: "I’d like a completely honest relationship with you, where nothing is ever hidden. Would you like to have a completely honest relationship with me, or would you rather I keep things to myself if I think they might upset you?"

Most people choose the honesty option. If your partner does so, this is your signal that he or she is willing to hear the truth. If your partner says no, then save it for another time.

• Once you’re in agreement that you both want honesty, deliver the significant truth in as few words as possible. Don’t justify it, embellish it, or explain it. Just lay it out, pure and simple, as in, "Honey, I’ve been having an affair," or "Honey, I don’t want to visit your parents this Christmas." That’s the easy part.

• Now you have to give your partner room to express his or her reaction fully. There will likely be anger, sadness, threats, or retribution— and your willingness to let these reactions emerge determines whether the resolution will be quick or slow. If you get defensive and put on the brakes, you’ll be delaying the positive payoff that is yours at the end of the day.

From bearing witness to hundreds of such sessions, we can tell you that there is indeed a positive payoff to all of this: When the truth is out and the noise of reaction has subsided, a new flow of harmony and vibrant energy springs to life. And this new energy is the raw material of physical passion. We’ve received hundreds of reports from happy couples whose sexual relationship began to flourish anew immediately after the revealing of a significant truth.

Gay and Kathlyn have worked and lived together for more than 25 years. They are the authors of such books as Conscious Loving, Lasting Love, and Attracting Genuine Love. They have also made appearances on Oprah, CNN, and numerous other media. They’ve trained approximately 1,200 professionals in their form of relationship transformation, through their training center, The Hendricks Institute: www.hendricks.com.