Often,
near the beginning of our P.E.E.R. Trainings (aka Awakening the
Emotional Body,) we declare as an understood given: Our
parents did the best they could. Its true, given what they received
from their parents and the culture. They really did do the best they
could. We state this clearly because over the 17+ years of offering
these trainings, we have found that this is one of the greatest obstacles
to people accessing, experiencing and expressing their deep feelings.
Most of us, for various reasons, are "taking care" of Mom
and Dad. Once we state the given, we then invite people to shelve it
for the weekend, feeling free to take it back when they leave
should they wish.Ive thought about this given over the past few
months, watching events unfold nationally and internationally. I believe
we can pretty accurately extrapolate the theory, as many do, to everyone:
Were all doing the best we can. Thats mostly true, right?
Especially when we consider the conditioning, parenting, modeling, traumas
and old wounds that each of us has received. I mean, George Bush is
probably doing the best he can, as are Bill and Hillary Clinton, George
Pataki, even Dick Cheney and Martha Stewart.
Of course, if we play this theory out, either we have to make room for
exceptions, or include humans like Hitler, Bill Frist and
Donald Trump. (For example, studies show that the vast majority of child
abusers have been abused themselves.) So, are there any exceptions to
this theory? And if so, where do we draw the line? Ive come up
with a new slogan that addresses these questions. Our Best...
Has to Get Better!
Thats not a message I often hear or see in mainstream media these
days, nor do we find much encouragement or support for it. So what does
"Our best has to get better" look like? For me, its
about taking responsibility for our feelings, our actions and
for healing our individual wounds. This makes us less likely to pass
them on to others, be they our loved ones, strangers (local or international)
or future generations. It means breaking the molds our parents gave
us and determining that its not okay to simply pass on that same
treatment to others. We need to examine what worked for us and what
did not. Take the good, but leave the rest and commit to learning new
and different ways of parenting, relating and of living. It also means
getting the support we need to actually break these molds in how we
live, not just in our minds.
This may be the most challenging thing any of us can do. But I cant
think of any more heroic action we can take at this time than to become
a link breaker someone determined to discontinue hurtful, irresponsible
and/or disrespectful behavior. Remember, children learn not so much
by what we tell them but by watching what adults do.For anyone
who agrees with or sees value in becoming better," P.E.E.R.
offers a somewhat paradoxical first step: To get better (healthier,
happier, more loving) first we must accept who and what we are right
now warts and all. The more we can do this the easier it will
be for us to move ahead. When I first started "inner work,"
I followed the traditional and for the most part New Age path about
making change: I beat, feared or shamed myself into it. And I had some
success. Later though, with the help of Osho and my guide Puja Thomson,
I learned a new, non-shaming path a path of self-love.
So, when I tried to stop smoking cigarettes for the 5th or 6th time,
I decided to be very tender with myself. By looking at my patterns,
I got in touch with why I smoked in the first place: Relaxation and
boredom. I created a gentle plan, giving myself 3 more months to enjoy
smoking.
Over those
three months, I started filling the holes inside me in new, different
ways. I practiced stress reduction techniques and began incorporating
other things into my life that would help me to relax, like getting
regular exercise. I confronted "boredom, too, recognizing
that my facile, devouring, ever-active mind, though a good friend to
me, also brought fear and discomfort upon me. I went more deeply into
meditation to learn how to become more a master of my mind than a slave
to it. In doing so, I began to feed my mind healthier new possibilities,
incorporating visualization: I started focusing on how good I was going
to feel, look and smell as a non-smoker.
That last night of the 3rd month, as usual I went out to walk my dog
and enjoyed the hell out of that final cigarette. The next day I was
fine until after supper then I freaked. I was in such pain that
I just got into bed about 7:00pm and finally, mercifully
fell asleep.
However,
the next morning my cravings were gone (and have been for 22 years!)
Within weeks, I could see my eyes brighten and a gray pallor lift from
my face. My energy increased, outlook improved, and I felt powerful,
able and ready to move forward with other changes in how I lived my
life and loved myself.
While the media rarely models people trying to improve themselves, the
new show My Name is Earl (NBC, Tues, 9pm) is an exception. Earl is a
pretty typical redneck until his life takes a huge turn: He rubs off
a winning lottery ticket, but then gets hit by a car losing the
ticket. In the hospital, he comes across the concept of karma and decides
to change his life. He makes a list of all the bad things hes
done, and plans to make amends. Then "Karma" brings him back
the lottery ticket, giving him the resources he needs to follow through.
Its quite refreshing to see a show about a human trying to be
better, while bringing lightness, too. And, isnt that what this
season is about?
So, thats a mission for the Holydays and New Year should
you choose to accept yourself. Oh, in your holyday shopping consider
Dar Williams new CD, My Better Self. I especially love two songs,
Echo and Close to My Heart. For me, no one expresses the heart in song
like Dar,
with love,
![](../../photos/Vijaysig.gif)
Vijay Director is a Senior Editor at Creations as well as its founder.
He offers ongoing mens groups and will co-lead the P.E.E.R. Training
on LI, Feb. 4-5. He also has a private life consulting practice and
is available for phone sessions. (888) 745-PEER or vijay@creationsmagazine.com