Often, near the beginning of our P.E.E.R.™ Trainings (aka Awakening the Emotional Body,) we declare as an understood “given”: Our parents did the best they could. It’s true, given what they received from their parents and the culture. They really did do the best they could. We state this clearly because over the 17+ years of offering these trainings, we have found that this is one of the greatest obstacles to people accessing, experiencing and expressing their deep feelings. Most of us, for various reasons, are "taking care" of Mom and Dad. Once we state the given, we then invite people to shelve it for the weekend, feeling free to take it back when they leave– should they wish.I’ve thought about this given over the past few months, watching events unfold nationally and internationally. I believe we can pretty accurately extrapolate the theory, as many do, to everyone: We’re all doing the best we can. That’s mostly true, right? Especially when we consider the conditioning, parenting, modeling, traumas and old wounds that each of us has received. I mean, George Bush is probably doing the best he can, as are Bill and Hillary Clinton, George Pataki, even Dick Cheney and Martha Stewart.

Of course, if we play this theory out, either we have to make room for exceptions, or include “humans” like Hitler, Bill Frist and Donald Trump. (For example, studies show that the vast majority of child abusers have been abused themselves.) So, are there any exceptions to this theory? And if so, where do we draw the line? I’ve come up with a new slogan that addresses these questions. Our “Best”... Has to Get Better!

That’s not a message I often hear or see in mainstream media these days, nor do we find much encouragement or support for it. So what does "Our best has to get better" look like? For me, it’s about taking responsibility– for our feelings, our actions and for healing our individual wounds. This makes us less likely to pass them on to others, be they our loved ones, strangers (local or international) or future generations. It means breaking the molds our parents gave us and determining that it’s not okay to simply pass on that same treatment to others. We need to examine what worked for us and what did not. Take the good, but leave the rest and commit to learning new and different ways of parenting, relating and of living. It also means getting the support we need to actually break these molds in how we live, not just in our minds.

This may be the most challenging thing any of us can do. But I can’t think of any more heroic action we can take at this time than to become a link breaker– someone determined to discontinue hurtful, irresponsible and/or disrespectful behavior. Remember, children learn not so much by what we tell them– but by watching what adults do.For anyone who agrees with or sees value in becoming “better," P.E.E.R.™ offers a somewhat paradoxical first step: To get better (healthier, happier, more loving) first we must accept who and what we are right now– warts and all. The more we can do this the easier it will be for us to move ahead. When I first started "inner work," I followed the traditional and for the most part New Age path about making change: I beat, feared or shamed myself into it. And I had some success. Later though, with the help of Osho and my guide Puja Thomson, I learned a new, non-shaming path– a path of self-love.

So, when I tried to stop smoking cigarettes for the 5th or 6th time, I decided to be very tender with myself. By looking at my patterns, I got in touch with why I smoked in the first place: Relaxation and boredom. I created a gentle plan, giving myself 3 more months to enjoy smoking.

Over those three months, I started filling the holes inside me in new, different ways. I practiced stress reduction techniques and began incorporating other things into my life that would help me to relax, like getting regular exercise. I confronted "boredom,” too, recognizing that my facile, devouring, ever-active mind, though a good friend to me, also brought fear and discomfort upon me. I went more deeply into meditation to learn how to become more a master of my mind than a slave to it. In doing so, I began to feed my mind healthier new possibilities, incorporating visualization: I started focusing on how good I was going to feel, look and smell as a non-smoker.

That last night of the 3rd month, as usual I went out to walk my dog and enjoyed the hell out of that final cigarette. The next day I was fine until after supper– then I freaked. I was in such pain that I just got into bed– about 7:00pm– and finally, mercifully fell asleep.

However, the next morning my cravings were gone (and have been for 22 years!) Within weeks, I could see my eyes brighten and a gray pallor lift from my face. My energy increased, outlook improved, and I felt powerful, able and ready to move forward with other changes in how I lived my life– and loved myself.

While the media rarely models people trying to improve themselves, the new show My Name is Earl (NBC, Tues, 9pm) is an exception. Earl is a pretty typical redneck until his life takes a huge turn: He rubs off a winning lottery ticket, but then gets hit by a car– losing the ticket. In the hospital, he comes across the concept of karma and decides to change his life. He makes a list of all the bad things he’s done, and plans to make amends. Then "Karma" brings him back the lottery ticket, giving him the resources he needs to follow through. It’s quite refreshing to see a show about a human trying to be better, while bringing lightness, too. And, isn’t that what this season is about?

So, that’s a mission for the Holydays and New Year– should you choose to accept yourself. Oh, in your holyday shopping consider Dar Williams’ new CD, My Better Self. I especially love two songs, Echo and Close to My Heart. For me, no one expresses the heart in song like Dar,

with love,

Vijay Director is a Senior Editor at Creations as well as its founder. He offers ongoing men’s groups and will co-lead the P.E.E.R. Training on LI, Feb. 4-5. He also has a private life consulting practice and is available for phone sessions. (888) 745-PEER or vijay@creationsmagazine.com