Adult bullies appear to be increasing in society: in families, in the workplace, in higher education, and in the news. Sooner rather than later there may be a bully in your life. Be prepared so that you don’t over-react or under-react.
Adult bullies often were bullies as children, but most children (maybe 90%) outgrow bullying behavior by adulthood. Adult bullies engage in similar childish behavior, but they are much smoother and manipulative as adults. They use several hidden primitive emotional powers that often catch people by surprise. These can slip beneath our conscious radar and emotionally “hook” us before we realize what’s happening. But if you know what to look for these are “hidden in plain sight.” Here are three of them, followed by ways you can respond to avoid becoming the focus of a bully’s attention:
- The Power of Unrestrained Personalities: Adult bullies often intrude into someone’s life by suddenly pushing past the usual social boundaries, so that people are intimidated and caught off-balance. We think that they will soon stop themselves – but they don’t! People often have wishful thinking: “I’m sure he’ll stop soon.” “I’m sure she’ll come to her senses.” Don’t be so sure. There’s no point in arguing with them or criticizing them. Others often have to stop them.
- The Power of Making it Personal: Bullies will often shift a normal conversation into criticisms of you as a person. This can be your looks, the way you dress, your intelligence, your sanity, your morals. You may feel it in your gut, like you’ve been punched as the bully threatens your total being and possibly your reputation but claims innocence. “I was just being honest.” Targets of bullies often feel trapped and get stomachaches, headaches, lose sleep, and may fear being at any location where the bully might be. As soon as you notice them making it personal with you or someone else, beware. This is often how they start.
- The Power of Projection and Playing the Victim: These usually go together. They will project onto you that you are doing what they are actually doing. They will tell others that they are your victim and that you are acting badly. They often get people to believe them. “See how she’s picking on me!” Others may look at you negatively after that, unless they really know you. It’s a common bully diversion tactic that is surprisingly effective because it is an emotional power that hooks those who are not informed.
What Can You Do?
Recognize the pattern of bullying behavior – When you see warning signs like these, realize that you’re dealing with a bully, so that you don’t over-react by becoming aggressive (yelling at them and looking like a bully yourself) or under-react by becoming passive (looking hurt and helpless). Both are emotional responses that tend to feed the bully’s drive to dominate you or others. (“See how upset I got him!”) Tell yourself that you’re dealing with a bully and that no one deserves to be bullied like this. Try to stay calm and look as unaffected as possible while you think of a rational response. Be aware that you may need to do something, like responding assertively: “I don’t agree with you at all.” Or: “That’s enough, buddy.” Or: Simply leave the situation.
Pull the plug on the bully – See if you are supporting the bully in any way. Most bullying goes on in private so no one else knows it’s happening. The bully might even say “Don’t tell anyone.” Or: “Let’s just keep it between us that I was an hour late.” Yet you can decide whether to help the bully this way or pull the plug and refuse to keep it a secret. Talk to someone about it; almost anyone, so that you don’t feel isolated in your situation. Get help, such as from bystanders or someone in authority who can do something about it—“That’s enough, buddy, leave her alone”—may be all that a bystander needs to say. Don’t let it eat at your self-esteem. It’s not about you; it’s about the bully acting badly. It’s not your fault, so think about your choices. Sometimes it’s not safe to confront a bully, so just getting away is the best plan. Other times getting help is the answer and jointly confronting a bully will stop the behavior. Bullies tend to focus on those who will tolerate them.
Setting Limits – If it’s safe, tell the bully that if they keep doing their behavior, you will impose a consequence. While you can’t control the bully, you can control your own behavior, such as ending a conversation or reporting their behavior to a higher authority in your organization or community.
Imposing Consequences – Setting limits is meaningless with bullies unless there is a real possibility of serious consequences. This may mean ending a relationship, being put on probation by an organization, or even legal consequences.
Conclusion
As a society we are starting to realize that bullies are increasing and that we need to stop their behavior because they can’t stop themselves. There is no point in arguing with them or criticizing them. Setting limits and imposing consequences are what it takes. There are several steps that anyone can take in recognizing their patterns of behavior and being assertive, individually as well as collectively. You’re not alone.
Bill Eddy is a therapist, lawyer, and mediator, and the author of the book Our New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them – How to Stop Them. He is the chief innovation officer of the High Conflict Institute and regularly trains lawyers, judges, mediators, and therapists in dealing with high conflict personalities and situations.
